In just three and a half hours you too can be in the fabulously tacky Wisconsin Dells, one of my favorite places on earth. (Don’t forget to take a break in Janesville on the way up and check out the gigantic fake cow!) Take the Wisconsin Dells exit and brace yourself. You’ll think you died and went to heaven (or hell, depending on how much you enjoy trashy American pop culture). From go-carts to bumper boats, corny mazes to wonder spots, wave pools to Indian shows, country music to circus museums, drive-ins to junk stores, biblical gardens to casinos, this crazy tourist trap is really quite wonderful, especially in the off-season, when rooms are $25 and nobody’s there. Chris and I even spent our honeymoon there. So where do I begin?
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Now right next door to Ripley’s is the Wax World of the Stars (105 Broadway; 608-254-2184; $4.95 for adults, $2.95 children, kids under five free), where you’ll be greeted by Bill Cosby, Lucille Ball, and George Burns enjoying a cocktail together. Other wax wonders include Dolly Parton, Michael Jackson, Paul Newman, Cher, Elvis, Alfred Hitchcock, and Kenny Rogers. John F. Kennedy joins Abe Lincoln in the Lincoln box at what I think is supposed to be Ford’s Theatre. My favorite exhibit, however, is an eye-level plastic case containing only the heads of famous people, such as Jimmy Carter, Hitler, Cleopatra, and LBJ. Tourists are invited to sneak around and stick their heads into this exhibit through special holes and blow their loved one’s mind. It’s fun to watch and take pictures. Skip the bookstore though. I was looking forward to adding to my collection of postcards of wax-museum figures, but all they had were dumb novelty gifts like giant erasers that say “I make big mistakes.”
Just down Highway 12 is the cute little town of Baraboo, rated 54th best small town in America last year. This was once the winter quarters of the famous Ringling Brothers circus (1884-1918), and it’s just bursting with circus history. On the town square is the Al. Ringling Theatre (136 Fourth Ave.) Built in 1915 by the eldest Ringling, this red-plush, gold-lined architectural masterpiece (designed by Rapp and Rapp) has the nickname “America’s prettiest playhouse” and is a sight to behold. It’s almost a sin to see such lousy contemporary films like White Men Can’t Jump projected in this majestic palace, which was declared a historic landmark in 1976. Unfortunately, these are the only types of films shown here, though they sometimes hold special live shows (clowns, mimes, Ronnie Milsap, etc). Tours and organ demonstrations are given daily at 1 PM ($2 for adults, $1 for children; 608-356-8864 or 608-356-8080).
There’s an even better Saint Vincent de Paul Society thrift store in Baraboo (100 South Boulevard; 608-356-4649; closed Sunday). They recently moved to a new location, but I hope they didn’t clean up too much because this is my favorite junk store in the Dells area. It’s not hard to kill two hours and walk out with three full grocery bags for under $20. They have baby clothes for a penny apiece.
One mile southeast of Wisconsin Dells on Highway 16 is the Big Sky Twin Drive-In Theatre. My philosophy is, if you’re going to spend money on one of those terrible Hollywood films you might as well do it at the drive-in under the stars. You can use your car radio or the drive-in speakers. There’s a big snack bar and two features nightly, rain or shine (so get those wipers fixed too). Open mid-April to mid-October ($5 for adults, $1.50 for children; 608-254-8025).
Another great little motel is the Star Motel (1531 Wisconsin Dells Parkway; 608-254-2051), not to be confused with the Star Motor Inn just a few doors down. You can swim in the outdoor pool and watch the bungee jumpers you saw while drinking margaritas at the Mexicali Rose. The Star also has an indoor pool, sauna, Jacuzzi, and cable. Its prices are similar to the Chippewa’s ($30 in the off-season, $70 during the summer). There are more than 100 motels to choose from, so feel free to shop around. I don’t think you’ll find any place cheaper than the motels I suggested, unless you decide to camp at one of the Dells’ many campgrounds–which is something I’ve always wanted to do.
