Hey, Faggot:
Phone spankings? No wonder you’re frustrated. Here are a couple of other ideas:
Best of Chicago voting is live now. Vote for your favorites »
If your choosilessness extends to gender as well as circumstance, a personal ad that began “Sexy straight guy interested in non-sexual spanking scenes” running in gay kink publications, or a gay paper, or the gay personals in a straight paper, would get a couple dozen responses, easy. Most “spanking clubs,” such as the New York Strap and Paddle, are gay. Meeting people through social/educational organizations for kinky people, such as Seattle’s Kink Information Network, is an option, but women tend to be in short supply, and making a successful contact will require a time investment that your wife may be uncomfortable with. You’re probably looking for a quick spank and out the door–no strings attached, no emotional entanglement. Soooooo, as I see it, you can advertise for gay boys (plenty of us would be happy to oblige) or go to a professional girl. As for psycho killers, lots of people who go out in search of vanilla sex or “nice” people wind up in the garbage disposals and back gardens of psycho killers. Use your common sense–meet in public, learn a few things about the person before you play, tell someone where you’re going, maybe play in public (a sex club or SM/fetish space)–and you should be just fine.
I just don’t like using my means of communication, eating, and breathing as a masturbation machine for large, smelly, long, rock-hard veiny things that spew sticky stuff down my throat.
But if the real reason you don’t want to give head is that you simply don’t like giving head and are unwilling to learn to like it, then say so. Don’t sit there working up rationalizations about what lovemaking is and isn’t, about what’s degrading and what’s not, or about how icky and disgusting men’s genitals are. Don’t like men’s genitals? Sleep with women.
The next night, she called me and requested Bubba’s presence again. Reluctantly, I went to her pad with Bubba and she seemed to enjoy Bubba more than me. I like this girl a lot, but she’s more interested in Bubba’s crimson red crayon than my own ballpoint pen. Should I break it off with the “Beauty and the Beast” or just throw the dog a bone?
Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.
