To the editors:
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But let’s see what INFORMATION we can salvage from Mr. Langer’s third-grade tirade . . . One need only glance at these sparse, poisonous scrawlings and immediately words LEAP off the page: “imbecilic,” “pomposity,” “exploitation,” “sophomoric”–all the trappings and effete-just-add-water-sound-bytes and anal eruptions of the ASPIRING SNOB; hideous cliches: “chewing up more scenery than a termite colony,” “subtle as a kick in the nuts,” and the true RED FLAG of the fatuous, thesaurus-wielding pseudointellectual–an obscure reference to Hobbes. But I think it would be unjust of me to merely WHITEWASH Mr. Langer’s review (he obviously spent a good five minutes composing it); and surely such a brilliant piece of writing COMMANDS more scrutiny.
First Mr. Langer complains the play “insults the intelligence of its audience.” Well, Adam, I think ALL of us–audiences past, present, and future; the Reader’s readership–all of us peons, minions, and other cerebral sharecroppers would just like to say THANK YOU. THANK YOU LORD-GOD-KING-LITERARY-DEITY-LANGER for taking the time to step down from your CLOUD-BORNE-THRONE-OF-KNOWLEDGE and TELL us by what standards (yours!) we should be insulted. Don’t you even realize that YOU insult EVERYONE’S intelligence by simply making the statement? Fool.
Your paper does a great injustice to ALL by printing Langer’s juvenile, auto-fellating RUBBISH: the entire theatrical community (that has worked too hard to create the most exciting, diverse theatre scene in the COUNTRY, to receive such self-deluded condescension. If you think other professionals don’t feel “that prick could have written that crap about US,” you’re dead wrong.); your readership (for blatantly misleading information); and in the ultimate irony–YOUR VERY OWN NEWSPAPER (by CATAPULTING your CREDIBILITY as a theatre-criticizing medium like a FLAMING BALL OF SHIT, SCREAMING, SOARING RIGHT OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW). Any publication with an IOTA of integrity or PROFESSIONAL STANDARDS would not only FIRE LANGER out of SHEER EMBARRASSMENT, but would also CUT OFF HIS HEAD, AFFIX IT TO A PIKE, AND PROMINENTLY DISPLAY THE SOGGY MELON OUTSIDE THEIR FRONT DOOR AS AN APOLOGY TO THE ENTIRE COMMUNITY FOR SUCH A FLAGRANT DISREGARD FOR THE ETHICS OF RESPONSIBLE JOURNALISM!!!
PS: Does this mean we don’t make “The Short List”?
