A recent article about pedophiles called the Internet a “masked ball,” a godsend for those who prefer to conceal their true natures. That premise is half right, since cyberdisguises often work. But like the aging pervert rouging his cheeks to appeal to youth, sometimes trying to conceal flaws only draws our horrified attention to them.
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CyberBob certainly looks happier. He’s not constructed in the tiny, closely cropped black-and-white image that traps PrintBob in his Tempo corner. CyberBob stretches out in a big, formal color portrait–tie rakishly loosened, a frosting of gray on the wig, well on his way to a stolid, Bill Kurtis-like late middle age. Here, CyberBob is masquerading as a hip journalist who does not view all people, trends, and objects created after 1955 as deadly viruses to be eradicated like smallpox and kept safely in a freezer at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
It is a curious document. The only recent accomplishments are Bob’s best-selling pabulary books. Anything related to his column is a decade or two old. “He has conducted headline-making interviews with Patricia Hearst while she was in prison, Richard Nixon after he resigned the presidency and mass murderer Richard Speck,” the biography notes, as if it had been typeset in 1978. The profile starts with a plug from Playboy magazine: “Water covers two-thirds of the earth and Bob Greene covers the rest.” That must be dated, since today the quote would have to read, “Water covers two-thirds of the earth and Bob Greene covers Baby Richard.”
