Bob Greene must scorn the scientists over at Fermilab, scrambling every day to fit their knowledge of the world into a single, consistent theory. Bob accomplished that feat long ago, cramming every last fact and press release into a lone unified principle: The World Is Bad.

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Bad Fact A: car alarms, “the nightly American symphony…a song that’s heard every day and every night.” What most people consider an occasional annoyance Bob sees as the death rattle of civilization, a dirge “screaming” out over his “chain-locked, access-carded, double-bolted world.” Blade Runner Bob.

Wow. Bob urging us to the ramparts, perhaps after an evening spent listening to the Les Miz sound track. Smash the ineffectual, car-alarm-jangled system! Viva la revolucion, Che Greene!

A puzzle: If we read Bob here, what do they read in hell?