Former Chicagoan Frederick Heese Eaton virtually wrote his own press release by dying and then spending all his money to publish his own book, Scandalous Saints. Live vanity press authors are all too common, pestering busy book review editors. Dead ones with sizable estates, however, make great feature stories.
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Scandalous Saints gathers every racy Bible story and says, Hey! Am I crazy, or are all these people having adulterous sex, incestuous sex, and who knows what else? He spices these observations with skeptical analyses of Bible stories such as that of Noah’s ark. The job must have been long and arduous. Picking out all the sinful deeds and unlikely scenarios in the Bible would be a lot like counting all the “the”s in the Encyclopaedia Britannica–easy, but no end in sight. Still, Eaton’s obvious hatred of religion surely made writing this book a satisfying hobby.
Eaton was by all accounts an unsuccessful writer in life, with the possible exception of his early works How to Make Beer and How to Make Champagne. In death, however, he showed a publicist’s genius. Who can resist reporting a last wish this silly, and so offensive to so many? The Chicago Public Library is expecting at least one copy of Scandalous Saints, but librarians don’t know when it might arrive or to what obscure library branch it may be banished. The only other library in Illinois with a copy is at Bradley University in Peoria. So for those without time for a road trip, here are a few choice excerpts:
“The problem is: with flood waters covering the entire earth (including the seas) over six miles deep, where in the Old Harry did all this water go after the flood was over? A heck of a mess. Worse than no plumber and a big leak in a pipe on Sunday.” (p. 40)
“But with God himself ignoring the enforcement of Moses’ laws, who could enforce the law against King David? It made thinking people wonder sometimes. Were these really God’s laws after all? In fact, was there even really a God? You couldn’t tell by what went on with King David.” (pp. 148-49)
“All four of these writers of Jesus’ life and death were supposed to have been present when Jesus died, and yet only Saint Matthew’s book mentions the earthquake and the raising of the dead saints. If you had seen such an event, would you have failed to write about it later when compiling a record of Jesus’ life? Hardly. Earthquakes and the raising of the dead don’t occur so often as to make them commonplace. Of course you would have told about it.” (p. 225)
